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Monday, January 14, 2013


Depression. It’s a word we’ve all heard before, one we think we know the meaning of.

To me, it’s not just a word; it’s a feeling, a state of being. I suffer from depression, and it sucks, big time. Most of the time, I don’t feel like doing jack shit. Sometimes I just want to lie in bed all day. Sometimes I get choked up at the littlest thing—a sad scene in a book or a movie, or a sweet one where the guy tells the other guy (or woman) how much he loves him/her.

Lately, though, since before Christmas, it’s gotten so bad that I start crying for no reason. There was this one time a couple of weeks ago, where I was washing the dishes—the goddamned dishes!—and I had to stop, turn the water off, and sit down, because all of a sudden, I was crying.

Needless to say, depression is seriously kicking my ass. I think this is part of the reason why I am so lazy, why I have yet to get up off my ass and get my GED and a job.

I also feel completely inadequate. Sometimes I don’t believe I’m smart enough to get either my GED or a job, despite my mom telling me I can do it. I guess I’m too afraid to try, and my depression isn't helping.

I know most of you probably think I’m saying all this to get sympathy, or attention or something, but I’m not. I’m just feeling particularly down at the moment, and I can’t find the words to continue with either of my two top priority stories, and I can’t find the words to write a new poem, but I feel as if there are words bursting to get free. So, when I loaded up Word, this is what came out.

I hope everybody else is faring much better.


  1. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I suffered from depression for a while too, and it's not an easy thing to deal with. The feeling that no one understands, and they just want you to "get over it." Have tried seeking counseling? It helps to be able to talk to someone without feeling like you're being judged. You just have to take it one day at a time. Do something that you enjoy, every day. Even if its just a little thing. Take a short walk. Pick a flower. Read a poem. Take a bubble bath...anything to remind yourself of all the good things there are. Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that life is for the living, we have to participate. We have try our best to make things happen for ourselves, rather than letting things happen to us. Life is full of highs and lows, we just have to try to make sure we're up more than we're down. Just know that you are never truly alone...not unless you choose to be. Keep your head up Cyn. I hope you feel better soon.


  2. Hi Cyn. I wish I were there to hug you. I don't suffer from depression, but I know people who do. One of my dearest friends, in fact, and it's a terrible thing for a gentle soul to bear. Don't beat yourself up about the stories. The stories will be there when you're ready to write them. Do what Ladi says and take a walk, do something for yourself that you enjoy. And you can get that GED. So many people believe in you... how can we all be wrong? :) We can't. Every day is a new start, and I hope today is better than last.

  3. Hey,
    So, I was just talking to my sister a few moments ago about my bipolar disorder, and it made me cry for a long time. She left and I got on the Web ave was checking in on all the blogs that I follow to distract myself. I tarry ever comment, mostly because I feel like I have nothing to say, but I really wanted to say something now.
    As I mentioned, I have bipolar. I go through serious bouts of depression all the time. I knowhow exhausting it is, how you just don't have any share fucks to give, how everything hurts. I'm not going to try and say that I know what YOU are going through, because everyone really is different. What I do wanna say is this: to anyone who tells you, or expects you to just snap out of it our get over it, fuck off. To anyone who tries to make you feel bad for being "lazy" fuck off. Focus on yourself. Find one thing about yourself that you love. Or even just kinda like. Something like your eye color. Everyday, look in the mirror and tell yourself all about how beautiful your eyes are. You aren't going to just snap out of it, but you can try to keep your head above water. Your stories will still be here, and so will your readers. It takes some big ol honkin' gonads to tell everyone "look, I have a problem." Just keep treading water til you can swim, love. And reach out. Tell us, tell your family, your friends. Don't keep quiet because you think that people will think that you are asking for attention. If they do, fuck off. Keep talking until someone listens. If you feel like you are draining, or drowning, don't just let go, love.